Fuck gratitude

I know I've not written often of late. There was a long gap and then my first post back was a big one (I won’t apologize for that first post back being one with significant weight.) Current events had kept me up (they still do), worried in ways I didn’t expect and I ultimately decided to share for reasons explained in the post. I wasn't been absent for any one reason. Just life. I felt my content was getting stale and I had nothing more to say. Friendship felt a narrow topic. I couldn’t keep track of code names I had given people. And, I was tired. And, lazy.

Several folks have asked me about writing again and while I would get a spark of an idea once in a while, nothing really stuck. After all, the writing was more for me – if others wanted to read it, great. If they enjoyed it, even better. It turns out, I rarely run out of things to say. No one is less surprised by that than me. So, I’m back. I may or may not be talking about the beauty of friendships – or the bullshit of them. I won’t use code names for my friends but I won’t publicly out them either. I’ll leave it up to them to admit they know me. If they have something to say, I trust they will. My friends are rarely at a loss for words. 

So, I'm going try and get at this more regularly. It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been well. What have you been up to? What have I been up to you ask? Well, I’ve decided to say “Fuck you” to gratitude – and before you get your gracious knickers in a twist, read on.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize how lucky I am. I have my health, an amazing daughter and family, terrific friends and a job I don’t hate. But the relentless platitudes of gratitude, of only focusing on the positive, being grateful for every little thing and cherish every moment is bullshit. It not only pushes aside the very real range of emotions that people have every day, but tells them those emotions are wrong.

“That accident/incident sounds terrible. You should just be grateful it wasn’t much worse,” or “Well, that’s what insurance is for – you’re lucky you have it.”

You are allowed to be angry. Your anger does not negate any other feeling you may have. Anger does not mean you don’t love someone, are unable to move on or are not appreciative that things could, indeed, be worse. The fact is, sometimes you need to process that anger in order to move forward. Being angry sometimes is normal. If you are never angry – where the hell are you stuffing your emotions? Are you drinking them? Eating them? Taking it out on others? I’ve done all of that – none of it works. Being angry does not mean you are ungrateful.

“Oh look at that precious baby/darling child (who is clearly not being precious or darling), just cherish this time, it goes so fast.”

Seriously? You are allowed to be super annoyed, frustrated, at the end of your rope with your kid. Let’s face it, great kids can still sometimes be assholes. Sometimes they are too little to realize; often times they are old enough to know better. My daughter is out of the toddler phase and I can assure you that while there is much to miss about that time – I do not miss tantrums, sleepless nights and potty training nor do I look back on them with any nostalgia. I may laugh about them more often now – but time does that with many things. Parenting is hard and sometimes, we're simply exhausted and at the end of our emotional rope. Thinking your kid is sometimes an asshole does not diminish your love for your kid or how lucky you know you are to have him/her.

“You should feel lucky you have such a good job.”

You are allowed to fucking hate your job sometimes. Because frankly, sometimes my job sucks. The deadlines are unreasonable, the people are twats and the lack of resources is frustrating. Venting is okay – as long as it’s not the only thing you do. Sometimes, you need to get it out in order to become part of the solution and be a more productive team member. My venting does not mean that I don’t recognize how lucky – or grateful - I am to have my job. Just means that that sometimes, it sucks.

“People just need to be nice to one another. I mean, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.”

You are allowed to pissed off at the state of current affairs. You can vent, vote, protest and spew forth your views. For me personally, it helps to back it up with facts. But being told to “suck it up” or just “focus on the positive” is frankly a privilege afforded to those not affected by things that are happening. Being angry or afraid is okay and very real – those feelings aren’t diminished because things are going well for you or you choose not to engage.

“Consider yourself lucky your [insert family member] is available to help you, just ignore what s/he says,” or “Just ignore move on.”

You are allowed to be fed up with your family. Family can be frustrating as hell. I don’t have any family living near me – this is both a blessing and a curse and I can easily see both sides of that coin. I remember talking to my brother about this – we may fight, we may disagree, we may live miles apart but at the end of the day, I know my family would be there should I need it. That doesn’t mean that don’t annoy the ever-loving fuck out of me sometimes (as I’m sure I annoy them, as well.) And, I say that with the utmost love. This doesn’t mean that I am not grateful for them.

“I’m cutting all negative people out of my life. I am just going to practice gratitude every day and want to be surrounded by positivity only.”

Well aren’t you a ray of fucking sunshine. Hope you’re not indulging in any unhealthy behaviors to manage those less than positive emotions – you know, like eating too much, drinking, drugs or making otherwise poor or unhealthy choices. Hope you’re not desperately trying to control every aspect of your environment, to create a self-imposed bubble that must be exhausting to maintain. And, what a great friend you must be to only want to deal with your friends who are going through a good time. It’s easy to get everyone to ride with you in the limousine – you may have less company when you have to take the bus but you will find out who are your real friends. I’m actually a pretty optimistic person but that doesn’t mean I don’t go through bouts of trying times when I’m less than chipper. This doesn't mean I'm not a positive person and that I am not grateful for my life. My real friends know that.

“They lived a good long life,” or “It’s nature’s way or God’s way of….,” or “At least you already have one (or another) child,” or “It was just a dog/cat/horse, you’re lucky you can go get another.”

I can’t even with these. Grief is deeply personal and there is no rulebook. Grief is painful and lonely and long-lasting. It may be deeply rooted and it may appear to move through someone quickly. There is no comfort in telling a grieving parent to be grateful for a surviving child or that they can have another. Knowing a parent or grandparent lived a long and happy life does not make you grateful for the pain you may feel at their passing. And for so many, me included, our pets are family and their loss is just as devastating and unique to each animal. Grief is normal and real. It is not something we move through but learn to live with as a new normal has to be defined. Grief does not mean you were not grateful for what you had – it just means you’re in pain as you learn to live with that loss.

“Just cheer up. It’s up to you to be happy.”

Okay, just fuck that shit. It’s completely normal to have a case of the blues, to be struggling with anxiety or overwhelmed by something happening in your life or around you. It's normal to just have a bad day. For some, sadness, fear, anxiety and depression are so overwhelming that it’s hard to function. These feelings may be short-lived but for many they are lifetime struggle. A pithy platitude of, “Choose happiness,” is patronizing, dismissive and arrogant. Gratitude is not unique to happy people, it just may show itself differently in different people.

At the end of the day, it is important to appreciate what you have and be grateful for what you receive. It is a good thing to treat others with kindness for no other reason than it's the right thing to do and besides, being kind feels way better than being an asshole (most of the time.) But don’t diminish the very real feelings of someone who may be in a different place than you are. Feelings are real – whether they are the ones you are having or are familiar with or don’t understand. Anger, anxiety, frustration and fear are as real as happiness, joy, and contentment. Part of being authentic – is not only having those range of emotions but acknowledging them, learning from them, seeking help in managing them and accepting these emotions are part of you or your family and friends.

We must quit telling people to stop feeling [insert emotion] and just replace what is perceived as a negative feeling with “happiness” or “gratitude” – that is more likely your own discomfort with those emotions and not theirs. Learn to sit in your own discomfort – you don’t always have to say something or fix someone. Sometimes, just acknowledging those emotions in yourself or others is enough. Remember, privilege is thinking that because something isn’t a problem for you, it isn’t a problem for anyone. Empathy is recognizing that, being supportive and wanting things to be better for all people. Gratitude is being thankful you can help, thanking those that helped you and recognizing that privilege in the first place.

Josh Lieb once said, “Gratitude can sometimes be as annoying as whininess.”

I don't know Josh Lieb but man, I like him.

Making Room AKA My Big Susan Got Engaged

The phone call came when I was asleep – just like in the movies.  I had been sleeping for more than an hour. When I saw her name on the phone I knew – either someone died or…“The One just proposed!” I could hear her smile. I sputtered my true congratulations with a sleep-laden voice. I could tell she kept looking at her finger (uh, BFFs for 25 years means I can tell you many, many things about her and I have here and here and here.) In year that had barely started and already felt like a lifetime, this was welcome and joyous news. And then she said it, she said those words I knew were coming, “He’s right here. Do you want to talk to him?” Of course I did – he’s a great guy and he’s landed the best of the best. I wanted to wish him congrats and let him know how thrilled and excited I was for both of them. I also wanted to threaten him within an inch of his life if he ever hurt her.

It was a short call. They were away for the weekend and she needed to tell someone immediately. I am so lucky it was me. I hung up with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. But I won’t lie – those tears were more than just joy.

My Big Susan was getting married. They’ve been together for 2-1/2 years so it’s hardly a surprise. The drift had started and I had already been feeling that odd kind of fracture that happens when one person within the friendship has someone so amazingly special in their life that their go-to person changes a bit. We live in different states so there have always been others but we always knew, day or night, who to call for those big talks….or to discuss what the hell was whats-her-name wearing to the Oscars and “oh my God, can that [insert politician’s name] pull their head out of their ass moments. I knew during these last 36 months that I wasn’t the first to hear her fears, joys and worries – but I knew they were being heard and it was as it should be. There is great comfort in that.

I did not meet him until last Spring. I was the last of the friends to do so. They came to visit for a long weekend. Major kudos to him for his willingness to a.) stay in a strangers home, with a cat (he’s allergic) and a 12-year old with a healthy dose of snark, b) knowingly visit when there is a major horse show and one whole day will be spent in a dusty, smelly venue, which if it’s not your thing is a bit like watching paint dry and c.) know that as the oldest friend and likely the most sarcastic, he could be walking into the proverbial lion’s den. I thought of what my sister told a boyfriend who came for dinner long ago, “Just don’t talk to my sister. She’ll rip you a new asshole.” I don’t say that with pride at all and thankfully, I’ve learned to control my tongue over the years. It’s the look on my face that can be equally telling.

These last few months have been full of wedding plans, wedding dress shopping via text pictures (there were stunners, some weird boobs and a jaw-dropping final choice), the email confirming the date. I’ve listened to bands online, looked at venue pictures, and florist websites. Thank God for the internet.

We’ve also gone weeks without talking – a first for us. The One has moved in and it’s taken some time to adjust to man things….and kid things. The One has three little darlings and Neiman has a whole new maternal role (have to admit – so much of this makes me laugh!!). It’s a life change – a wonderful, amazing, but still challenging, life change. For those of us are parents and came to the role with infants who roared, we all had our own ways of adjusting, but we called the parenting shots. For Neiman, she has had to gracefully step into the role of step-parent. An often thankless role that is easily full of all of the guts and little of the glory (I say this as a stepchild who was blessed with an amazing step-parent and one a bit more challenging.) I know her head is reeling and she is overwhelmed-- I hear what she does not say.

So, this weekend, she is coming to visit. Just Neiman. The One is staying home and Mini-me is off at camp and it will truly be a girls’ weekend. There will be a spa, shopping and no doubt, wine and whine. There will be talking, laughter and sharing. I know it will be like it always is. I have no doubt that we will slip into the familiar roles of best friends.

I have much to learn here. I have friends who married long time partners – partners that I have known for years and years so there is an established relationship even if I remain closer to one than the other. I have married friends where I met both people at the same time and we’re all good friends. I have old friends who I have reconnected with on Facebook and never met their spouse – but we live far apart so there is no opportunity to really develop those partner relationships.  And, I have friends who have or had spouses who well….the less said, the better. This is a new one. I don’t expect that he and I will become the kind of friends who communicate or connect away from Neiman, but I wonder—will our relationship grow into any kind of friendship? Does it have to?

I know when I got pregnant (she was my second call after the first disastrous one) and became a mother – she was there and promised to be there no matter what. She has held, changed, worried (likely been annoyed), laughed and loved my Mini-Me. She supported me no matter whacky-ass parenting decision I was making at any given time. She embraced this new part of my life with a kind of grace that is uniquely Neiman. But I know that this fundamental change in my life changed our friendship. There have been moments of grief – and guilt – that I have not been as present or available for things. Her gracious understanding means more than she will ever know.

I know friendships change over time. Life happens and creates bumps – those ups and downs remind us what and who matters. I want to believe – no, I do believe –that this is just a new chapter in the story of our friendship. It’s just my turn to return that unquestionable love and support, that shoulder and that ear, that gracious (fuck, have I ever been gracious?) understanding in that safe place called friendship. After all, if my mother and the original Big Susan could get through their entire lives with nary a bump, this should be nothing.

Just as Neiman has to learn to navigate her new life, I know that I have to learn to adjust to the shadow that is The One – always there even when he is not.  And, I’m certain he will adjust to the role that only a bestie can fill. He’s a good man – a lucky man. I like him a lot. I love that he makes Neiman’s heart so full. But I will still fucking shiv him if he hurts her. Best friends are like that.