Fuck gratitude

I know I've not written often of late. There was a long gap and then my first post back was a big one (I won’t apologize for that first post back being one with significant weight.) Current events had kept me up (they still do), worried in ways I didn’t expect and I ultimately decided to share for reasons explained in the post. I wasn't been absent for any one reason. Just life. I felt my content was getting stale and I had nothing more to say. Friendship felt a narrow topic. I couldn’t keep track of code names I had given people. And, I was tired. And, lazy.

Several folks have asked me about writing again and while I would get a spark of an idea once in a while, nothing really stuck. After all, the writing was more for me – if others wanted to read it, great. If they enjoyed it, even better. It turns out, I rarely run out of things to say. No one is less surprised by that than me. So, I’m back. I may or may not be talking about the beauty of friendships – or the bullshit of them. I won’t use code names for my friends but I won’t publicly out them either. I’ll leave it up to them to admit they know me. If they have something to say, I trust they will. My friends are rarely at a loss for words. 

So, I'm going try and get at this more regularly. It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been well. What have you been up to? What have I been up to you ask? Well, I’ve decided to say “Fuck you” to gratitude – and before you get your gracious knickers in a twist, read on.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize how lucky I am. I have my health, an amazing daughter and family, terrific friends and a job I don’t hate. But the relentless platitudes of gratitude, of only focusing on the positive, being grateful for every little thing and cherish every moment is bullshit. It not only pushes aside the very real range of emotions that people have every day, but tells them those emotions are wrong.

“That accident/incident sounds terrible. You should just be grateful it wasn’t much worse,” or “Well, that’s what insurance is for – you’re lucky you have it.”

You are allowed to be angry. Your anger does not negate any other feeling you may have. Anger does not mean you don’t love someone, are unable to move on or are not appreciative that things could, indeed, be worse. The fact is, sometimes you need to process that anger in order to move forward. Being angry sometimes is normal. If you are never angry – where the hell are you stuffing your emotions? Are you drinking them? Eating them? Taking it out on others? I’ve done all of that – none of it works. Being angry does not mean you are ungrateful.

“Oh look at that precious baby/darling child (who is clearly not being precious or darling), just cherish this time, it goes so fast.”

Seriously? You are allowed to be super annoyed, frustrated, at the end of your rope with your kid. Let’s face it, great kids can still sometimes be assholes. Sometimes they are too little to realize; often times they are old enough to know better. My daughter is out of the toddler phase and I can assure you that while there is much to miss about that time – I do not miss tantrums, sleepless nights and potty training nor do I look back on them with any nostalgia. I may laugh about them more often now – but time does that with many things. Parenting is hard and sometimes, we're simply exhausted and at the end of our emotional rope. Thinking your kid is sometimes an asshole does not diminish your love for your kid or how lucky you know you are to have him/her.

“You should feel lucky you have such a good job.”

You are allowed to fucking hate your job sometimes. Because frankly, sometimes my job sucks. The deadlines are unreasonable, the people are twats and the lack of resources is frustrating. Venting is okay – as long as it’s not the only thing you do. Sometimes, you need to get it out in order to become part of the solution and be a more productive team member. My venting does not mean that I don’t recognize how lucky – or grateful - I am to have my job. Just means that that sometimes, it sucks.

“People just need to be nice to one another. I mean, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.”

You are allowed to pissed off at the state of current affairs. You can vent, vote, protest and spew forth your views. For me personally, it helps to back it up with facts. But being told to “suck it up” or just “focus on the positive” is frankly a privilege afforded to those not affected by things that are happening. Being angry or afraid is okay and very real – those feelings aren’t diminished because things are going well for you or you choose not to engage.

“Consider yourself lucky your [insert family member] is available to help you, just ignore what s/he says,” or “Just ignore move on.”

You are allowed to be fed up with your family. Family can be frustrating as hell. I don’t have any family living near me – this is both a blessing and a curse and I can easily see both sides of that coin. I remember talking to my brother about this – we may fight, we may disagree, we may live miles apart but at the end of the day, I know my family would be there should I need it. That doesn’t mean that don’t annoy the ever-loving fuck out of me sometimes (as I’m sure I annoy them, as well.) And, I say that with the utmost love. This doesn’t mean that I am not grateful for them.

“I’m cutting all negative people out of my life. I am just going to practice gratitude every day and want to be surrounded by positivity only.”

Well aren’t you a ray of fucking sunshine. Hope you’re not indulging in any unhealthy behaviors to manage those less than positive emotions – you know, like eating too much, drinking, drugs or making otherwise poor or unhealthy choices. Hope you’re not desperately trying to control every aspect of your environment, to create a self-imposed bubble that must be exhausting to maintain. And, what a great friend you must be to only want to deal with your friends who are going through a good time. It’s easy to get everyone to ride with you in the limousine – you may have less company when you have to take the bus but you will find out who are your real friends. I’m actually a pretty optimistic person but that doesn’t mean I don’t go through bouts of trying times when I’m less than chipper. This doesn't mean I'm not a positive person and that I am not grateful for my life. My real friends know that.

“They lived a good long life,” or “It’s nature’s way or God’s way of….,” or “At least you already have one (or another) child,” or “It was just a dog/cat/horse, you’re lucky you can go get another.”

I can’t even with these. Grief is deeply personal and there is no rulebook. Grief is painful and lonely and long-lasting. It may be deeply rooted and it may appear to move through someone quickly. There is no comfort in telling a grieving parent to be grateful for a surviving child or that they can have another. Knowing a parent or grandparent lived a long and happy life does not make you grateful for the pain you may feel at their passing. And for so many, me included, our pets are family and their loss is just as devastating and unique to each animal. Grief is normal and real. It is not something we move through but learn to live with as a new normal has to be defined. Grief does not mean you were not grateful for what you had – it just means you’re in pain as you learn to live with that loss.

“Just cheer up. It’s up to you to be happy.”

Okay, just fuck that shit. It’s completely normal to have a case of the blues, to be struggling with anxiety or overwhelmed by something happening in your life or around you. It's normal to just have a bad day. For some, sadness, fear, anxiety and depression are so overwhelming that it’s hard to function. These feelings may be short-lived but for many they are lifetime struggle. A pithy platitude of, “Choose happiness,” is patronizing, dismissive and arrogant. Gratitude is not unique to happy people, it just may show itself differently in different people.

At the end of the day, it is important to appreciate what you have and be grateful for what you receive. It is a good thing to treat others with kindness for no other reason than it's the right thing to do and besides, being kind feels way better than being an asshole (most of the time.) But don’t diminish the very real feelings of someone who may be in a different place than you are. Feelings are real – whether they are the ones you are having or are familiar with or don’t understand. Anger, anxiety, frustration and fear are as real as happiness, joy, and contentment. Part of being authentic – is not only having those range of emotions but acknowledging them, learning from them, seeking help in managing them and accepting these emotions are part of you or your family and friends.

We must quit telling people to stop feeling [insert emotion] and just replace what is perceived as a negative feeling with “happiness” or “gratitude” – that is more likely your own discomfort with those emotions and not theirs. Learn to sit in your own discomfort – you don’t always have to say something or fix someone. Sometimes, just acknowledging those emotions in yourself or others is enough. Remember, privilege is thinking that because something isn’t a problem for you, it isn’t a problem for anyone. Empathy is recognizing that, being supportive and wanting things to be better for all people. Gratitude is being thankful you can help, thanking those that helped you and recognizing that privilege in the first place.

Josh Lieb once said, “Gratitude can sometimes be as annoying as whininess.”

I don't know Josh Lieb but man, I like him.

I'm a loser, are you?

It’s been a long time and while I could likely weave a story or two about why – suffice it to say that there has been some self examination and purging going on.

We all know how I feel about my friends.They are the bestest ever. I love them and consider myself rich because of their presence in my life. They are a blessing. For me, my friends are the foundation on which I’ve built my chosen family. Without a doubt, we learn from our friends but our lives are also so enriched by lessons are often hidden in the laughs, the suggestions (gentle or otherwise), the time simply spent together resulting in changes in attitude, behavior or even opinion. 

But what about friends that are lost? What happens when you lose a friend? These are also folks you spent time with, shared ideas, heard their ideas – maybe considered them a blessing. Did the ending of the friendship turn into a lesson instead of a blessing? 

What do we take away from friendships that go sideways? Some friendships are based on things that change over time and for whatever reason they cannot be sustained. You may run into one another once in a while or still trade holiday cards – these have fizzled out but the memory is a reasonably warm one. Other friendships end because someone was a jackass. Now – it may be the other person or it may be you (we’ve all been there, just own it) – but regardless, the friendship can’t move past the jackass factor and these friendships likely went out in a blaze of glory. 

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about friendships that ended because someone doesn’t support a life choice or those who truly belittle your beliefs. I’m not talking about friends who feel it’s their job to tell you the “facts” or be brutally “honest” when all they really have is closed mind and a strong opinion. I’m not talking about those “friends” who are only around when times are good and they can enjoy the ride. Those “friends?” Fuck those people – they don’t deserve you. Because, really – life is too short for crappy friends.

I’m talking about those folks with whom we establish a friendship, a relationship – some level of connection or commitment. We invest in that relationship – and then it ends.This isn’t like the ending of a romantic relationship, where hearts are broken and men (or women, hey, whatever floats your boat) are declared turds and you’ll never love again. A friendship ending is different – friends are supposed to be there no matter what, aren’t they?

I’ve come to believe that the answer is no. We change, we grow – we tolerate less – or more. There is some shift, in attitude or behavior that simply makes the friendship unsustainable. As painful as it may be (and it does hurt – in a deep and different way than a romantic loss,) these friends – or former friends – can teach us valuable lessons. Regardless of the duration of the friendship, these are people that came into our lives for a reason. 

Years ago, I stopped speaking with someone who had been a dear friend for 25 years, someone who wasn’t supportive of a major life choice I had made. While I had always appreciated her “tell it like it is” attitude, she could not separate herself from her own experience or opinion in order to be supportive of what I was doing. It was a scary time for me – I was feeling fragile and very alone; unsupportive friends and family magnified those feelings. We didn’t speak for almost a decade. We have since re-connected on Facebook. We aren’t particularly close now though messages have been exchanged on major life milestones or losses and I’m really glad about that. We’ve only chatted through messaging or posts but I know re-connecting was the right thing – a good thing.

I learned that having a rich history matters. hat sometimes, just sometimes, what was positive outweighs an isolated pile of crap. I learned how important it is to not only be supportive when I understand – but even more so when I don’t. 

I once walked away from a friendship that was too draining – it simply zapped every ounce of energy, compassion and reason. With the help of Geek, I cut the cord. It was hard because I genuinely like this person. I do occasionally speak with her now and enjoy the limited nature of a friendship with a person who is so vastly different – and similar – to me. 

I learned that boundaries are important in all relationships. If I don’t set my own, I only have myself to blame when others don’t acknowledge them.

I’ve also had people walk away from me. Choosing to not get involved, to not defend, is a shaky area and I do get it. But let’s be honest – neutral doesn’t apply to any relationship. I really did expect friends to be honest and stand up for me. 

 

I learned that loyalty is really important to me but that expecting others to share my sense of “right” sets me up for disappointment and isn’t fair to anyone involved. This hasn’t changed my sense of loyalty in a friendship; it just means that knowing where folks – where friends stand – is important. It can be a good way to determine where we are on the friendship food chain and who you can count on to help bury the bodies.

I’ve also had the unsettling experience of someone just walking away from me. I own that I was feeling resentful and annoyed and instead of taking a step back and just creating space or reaching out to talk, I was snippy, snarky and likely a bit of a jackass (this is me, owning my own shit – can you do the same?). I am as aware today as I was back then that that when I stopped being so agreeable and generous the friendship faltered. Neither of us reached out to talk about. Perhaps we didn’t value the friendship or simply didn’t have the energy to work through the situation. Perhaps we were each going through something that neither felt comfortable sharing.

I learned that when something feels unbalanced, when I feel like I’m giving and giving and not getting much back (I’m not talking about tit for tat – I’m talking about acknowledgement, gratitude) – I either have to be willing to talk or willing to walk. Snark and sass don’t solve the problem.  

At the end of the day, all of these peoples were lessons. I’m glad they came into my life – and in some cases, left and came back. I’m grateful for the experience. For the chance to learn. I’d like to think I’m a better person for it but there are likely many that would still call me an asshole. And lest I sound too Pollyanna-ish (as if that would ever happen) let’s be clear that I hope I was a good study and don’t make the same fucking mistakes again.

 PS - Major thanks to Neiman - for some reason, this was a really hard post to write, edit, re-write, edit again and finally tell myself it was okay to post. She was with me every step of the way. Sigh - she puts up with a lot. Thanks T!  I couldn't do this (or my closest) without you.