Fuck gratitude

I know I've not written often of late. There was a long gap and then my first post back was a big one (I won’t apologize for that first post back being one with significant weight.) Current events had kept me up (they still do), worried in ways I didn’t expect and I ultimately decided to share for reasons explained in the post. I wasn't been absent for any one reason. Just life. I felt my content was getting stale and I had nothing more to say. Friendship felt a narrow topic. I couldn’t keep track of code names I had given people. And, I was tired. And, lazy.

Several folks have asked me about writing again and while I would get a spark of an idea once in a while, nothing really stuck. After all, the writing was more for me – if others wanted to read it, great. If they enjoyed it, even better. It turns out, I rarely run out of things to say. No one is less surprised by that than me. So, I’m back. I may or may not be talking about the beauty of friendships – or the bullshit of them. I won’t use code names for my friends but I won’t publicly out them either. I’ll leave it up to them to admit they know me. If they have something to say, I trust they will. My friends are rarely at a loss for words. 

So, I'm going try and get at this more regularly. It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been well. What have you been up to? What have I been up to you ask? Well, I’ve decided to say “Fuck you” to gratitude – and before you get your gracious knickers in a twist, read on.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize how lucky I am. I have my health, an amazing daughter and family, terrific friends and a job I don’t hate. But the relentless platitudes of gratitude, of only focusing on the positive, being grateful for every little thing and cherish every moment is bullshit. It not only pushes aside the very real range of emotions that people have every day, but tells them those emotions are wrong.

“That accident/incident sounds terrible. You should just be grateful it wasn’t much worse,” or “Well, that’s what insurance is for – you’re lucky you have it.”

You are allowed to be angry. Your anger does not negate any other feeling you may have. Anger does not mean you don’t love someone, are unable to move on or are not appreciative that things could, indeed, be worse. The fact is, sometimes you need to process that anger in order to move forward. Being angry sometimes is normal. If you are never angry – where the hell are you stuffing your emotions? Are you drinking them? Eating them? Taking it out on others? I’ve done all of that – none of it works. Being angry does not mean you are ungrateful.

“Oh look at that precious baby/darling child (who is clearly not being precious or darling), just cherish this time, it goes so fast.”

Seriously? You are allowed to be super annoyed, frustrated, at the end of your rope with your kid. Let’s face it, great kids can still sometimes be assholes. Sometimes they are too little to realize; often times they are old enough to know better. My daughter is out of the toddler phase and I can assure you that while there is much to miss about that time – I do not miss tantrums, sleepless nights and potty training nor do I look back on them with any nostalgia. I may laugh about them more often now – but time does that with many things. Parenting is hard and sometimes, we're simply exhausted and at the end of our emotional rope. Thinking your kid is sometimes an asshole does not diminish your love for your kid or how lucky you know you are to have him/her.

“You should feel lucky you have such a good job.”

You are allowed to fucking hate your job sometimes. Because frankly, sometimes my job sucks. The deadlines are unreasonable, the people are twats and the lack of resources is frustrating. Venting is okay – as long as it’s not the only thing you do. Sometimes, you need to get it out in order to become part of the solution and be a more productive team member. My venting does not mean that I don’t recognize how lucky – or grateful - I am to have my job. Just means that that sometimes, it sucks.

“People just need to be nice to one another. I mean, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.”

You are allowed to pissed off at the state of current affairs. You can vent, vote, protest and spew forth your views. For me personally, it helps to back it up with facts. But being told to “suck it up” or just “focus on the positive” is frankly a privilege afforded to those not affected by things that are happening. Being angry or afraid is okay and very real – those feelings aren’t diminished because things are going well for you or you choose not to engage.

“Consider yourself lucky your [insert family member] is available to help you, just ignore what s/he says,” or “Just ignore move on.”

You are allowed to be fed up with your family. Family can be frustrating as hell. I don’t have any family living near me – this is both a blessing and a curse and I can easily see both sides of that coin. I remember talking to my brother about this – we may fight, we may disagree, we may live miles apart but at the end of the day, I know my family would be there should I need it. That doesn’t mean that don’t annoy the ever-loving fuck out of me sometimes (as I’m sure I annoy them, as well.) And, I say that with the utmost love. This doesn’t mean that I am not grateful for them.

“I’m cutting all negative people out of my life. I am just going to practice gratitude every day and want to be surrounded by positivity only.”

Well aren’t you a ray of fucking sunshine. Hope you’re not indulging in any unhealthy behaviors to manage those less than positive emotions – you know, like eating too much, drinking, drugs or making otherwise poor or unhealthy choices. Hope you’re not desperately trying to control every aspect of your environment, to create a self-imposed bubble that must be exhausting to maintain. And, what a great friend you must be to only want to deal with your friends who are going through a good time. It’s easy to get everyone to ride with you in the limousine – you may have less company when you have to take the bus but you will find out who are your real friends. I’m actually a pretty optimistic person but that doesn’t mean I don’t go through bouts of trying times when I’m less than chipper. This doesn't mean I'm not a positive person and that I am not grateful for my life. My real friends know that.

“They lived a good long life,” or “It’s nature’s way or God’s way of….,” or “At least you already have one (or another) child,” or “It was just a dog/cat/horse, you’re lucky you can go get another.”

I can’t even with these. Grief is deeply personal and there is no rulebook. Grief is painful and lonely and long-lasting. It may be deeply rooted and it may appear to move through someone quickly. There is no comfort in telling a grieving parent to be grateful for a surviving child or that they can have another. Knowing a parent or grandparent lived a long and happy life does not make you grateful for the pain you may feel at their passing. And for so many, me included, our pets are family and their loss is just as devastating and unique to each animal. Grief is normal and real. It is not something we move through but learn to live with as a new normal has to be defined. Grief does not mean you were not grateful for what you had – it just means you’re in pain as you learn to live with that loss.

“Just cheer up. It’s up to you to be happy.”

Okay, just fuck that shit. It’s completely normal to have a case of the blues, to be struggling with anxiety or overwhelmed by something happening in your life or around you. It's normal to just have a bad day. For some, sadness, fear, anxiety and depression are so overwhelming that it’s hard to function. These feelings may be short-lived but for many they are lifetime struggle. A pithy platitude of, “Choose happiness,” is patronizing, dismissive and arrogant. Gratitude is not unique to happy people, it just may show itself differently in different people.

At the end of the day, it is important to appreciate what you have and be grateful for what you receive. It is a good thing to treat others with kindness for no other reason than it's the right thing to do and besides, being kind feels way better than being an asshole (most of the time.) But don’t diminish the very real feelings of someone who may be in a different place than you are. Feelings are real – whether they are the ones you are having or are familiar with or don’t understand. Anger, anxiety, frustration and fear are as real as happiness, joy, and contentment. Part of being authentic – is not only having those range of emotions but acknowledging them, learning from them, seeking help in managing them and accepting these emotions are part of you or your family and friends.

We must quit telling people to stop feeling [insert emotion] and just replace what is perceived as a negative feeling with “happiness” or “gratitude” – that is more likely your own discomfort with those emotions and not theirs. Learn to sit in your own discomfort – you don’t always have to say something or fix someone. Sometimes, just acknowledging those emotions in yourself or others is enough. Remember, privilege is thinking that because something isn’t a problem for you, it isn’t a problem for anyone. Empathy is recognizing that, being supportive and wanting things to be better for all people. Gratitude is being thankful you can help, thanking those that helped you and recognizing that privilege in the first place.

Josh Lieb once said, “Gratitude can sometimes be as annoying as whininess.”

I don't know Josh Lieb but man, I like him.

Don't Let Silence Be Affirmation

I could have stayed silent. I could have just gone about my day – my weekend – just as so many others have. We all heard the news, we know what happened. Perhaps we’re just processing this in our own way. Perhaps, some are operating in the “well that’s awful but it doesn’t affect me” mentality that has become so pervasive of late.

Then I got messages. A few texts from dear friends checking to see how Jillian and I were managing the news. The first one came before I had even read the news. Jillian was riding and I didn’t tell her until she was done. They were kind words from kind people – people that fully understand systemic discrimination and intolerance - that suffocating and panicky feeling that comes from oppression. The quiet fear with the knowledge that you have to keep doing what needs to be done – the laundry, the carpool, work, the activism – with the underlying despair of “what is next” in the back of your head. I even got an email from a friend who voted quite differently than me - horrified by what has happened and wanted to assure me that he likes the Jewish people [insert eye roll here.]

The current political environment has been a real struggle for me – and understanding my friends who sit in support of an administration that is fanning the flames of hatred. Historically, this has not been a problem for me. I’ve always prided myself on believing that friends do not all have to think alike. I’ve friends of different religions and sharing those traditions has enriched my life. I have friends of different races and ethnicity –those differences have made me a better person. I have friends with different political beliefs and we’ve had great discussions, lively debates and healthy dialogue. We may have even learned something from one another.

But things have changed. They have gotten ugly and mean and deeply personal. I have spent two years educating myself. How can I learn – how can I understand what it means to be part of a marginalized group for whom systemic discrimination is a way of life? Could I truly understand? I can empathize, I can march, I can donate, I can support – but can I truly understand? I have read countless testimonies of people – children and young people - abandoned by their families because of who they love or who they are. I have talked to senior citizens fearful of cuts to their well-earned benefits and at risk of becoming homeless. I have read of countless Veterans who struggle to get the help they need and make ends meet. I have attended meetings at a local mosque listening and learning only to find that as Jew, we had so much more in common than I had ever known – and I heard their fear. I have watched the faithful recoil in shock as religion is used as as rationale for horrible behavior. I have watched in abject horror at the police brutality towards people of color. The difference in the way suspects are treated – based on their skin color. It is worth a side note to say that the pipe bomb suspect and the Pittsburgh shooter were both taken alive. It’s not hard to imagine the very different outcome had their skin been a different color.

In the midst of the rampant racism – the appalling tirades filmed by victims and witnesses of racist vitriol being shouted; the destruction of places of worship while spewing hateful lies filmed by the perpetrators themselves. In the midst of the irrational xenophobic behavior directed at anyone who is not white or speaks another language. In the midst of the attacks on women that finally had the courage to say, “me, too.” In the midst of the name-calling, the mocking of people with disabilities. In the midst of the cries of fake news when the facts are not favorable towards an elected official. In the midst of the overwhelming silence from those who may sit on that side, who may have voted that way – the attacks on Jews continued.

There has been a 60% increase in anti-Semitic incidents from 2016-2017 – the largest increase recorded by the ADL. This includes hate speech, which is protected by first amendment rights. There has been a 250% increase in white supremacist activity on college campuses during this time as well. Bomb threats at multiple Jewish Community Centers. Vandalism in Jewish cemeteries and on Jewish homes. I have friends who have had their Hanukkah decorations vandalized – repeatedly. I have been called names. My own synagogue put up metal barriers to prevent a vehicle from driving through our entry. This is in addition to the armed police that stand guard. And now Pittsburgh. Eleven people gunned down while praying. Gunned down while praying.

Thoughts and prayers are not enough. Not nearly enough.

How do I reconcile the friends (and family) that I know so well with their support of someone that is so hurtful to so many? I know these people – I see how they treat me and my family. Their kindness and genuine friendship is not lost on me. We have traveled together. They have taken my daughter on trips and I have taken theirs. We have eaten in one another’s home, shared celebrations and loss. These are good people who love their families and want the world to be a better place for their children. I know they do not agree with the hateful rhetoric – yet they remain silent. Perhaps they talk more among those that share their political beliefs but from where I sit, the silence is deafening.

I want to remind those friends – I am those people who are being mocked, accused of being a liar, called names, threatened and harassed. When you say nothing, when you continue to support an administration that finds it acceptable – hell, admirable - to discriminate against others, incites violence, instills fear instead of facts, calls women liars and refuses to be held accountable to the same standards to which they hold others – do I assume you agree? On my business calls, we say that silence is affirmation.

As we enter the holiday season, Jillian and I have talked about all the ways we will decorate our new house for the holidays. Where will we put our collection of nutcrackers? What about our winter village (the closest thing we get to snow!) Will we host our annual Hanukkah open house and share latkes and brisket sliders with friends? The one thing we were certain of is that our large bay window would be the perfect spot for our Menorah collection. We’ve talked about how beautiful they will look each night – candles burning in the window. But today, in the back of my mind, I wonder if it is safe for me to do that. Will my house be targeted? Will Jillian be harassed as she’s seen leaving the house on a nightly walk with the dogs? Will we be the ones scrubbing hate-filled graffiti from the garage door? Where will those friends be then?

In the wake of Charlottesville, it was said that “there were fine people on both sides.” Let me be clear - there are no good Nazis or white supremacists - they are not "fine people." There was a whole war about this and the entire world agreed – you cannot be a white supremacist and truly love your country and all that it stands for. Patriotism does not belong to any one political party – pride in one’s country crosses the aisle. It is seen in the courage of our soldiers, the love of their families. It is in the commitment of our teachers, who use their own money to pay for supplies when their states won’t provide funding. It is in the freedom of those who are able to live – and love – as their true selves. It is the dignity in which those that are oppressed continue to hold their head high and keep moving forward. It is in the prayers of the faithful in their many houses of worship. It is in the determination of someone seeking a better life for themselves and their family. It is in the joy and laughter of our children thriving in a healthy environment. It is in the resolution of those who continue to fight for the rights of others – even when they themselves are not affected.

If I have learned nothing else during these last two years, it is that people feel empowered by the words and actions of others. Words matter. How they are used matters. We cannot dismiss distasteful language, hateful rhetoric and soundbites with a “He was kidding,” or “It’s only a joke.” And, to be clear – it’s not that folks don’t have a sense of humor, it’s that so much of the mocking is based on hurtful stereotypes, flat out lies and simple mean-spiritedness that is taken by many to be a guidebook on how to treat people. Standing up for something is the most American thing that I can do. Standing up for myself, my daughter, my friends, for those that live, love and worship differently. I do not have to agree with you but certainly respect your right to believe differently.

But, there is a difference in respecting different beliefs and using those beliefs to incite hatred and violence.  There is a difference in using freedom of speech to share opinions that differ – even when they differ from that of your government – and spewing forth hateful rhetoric that encourages violence against groups of people. There is a difference in saying you have a “live and let live” philosophy to life and supporting officials – and therefore legislation – that restricts others to do the same. There is a difference between saying you believe in a separation of Church and State yet support candidates who want to erase that line and use religion to legislate. (And, for one moment – let’s imagine a Jewish legislator did just that – can you imagine the outrage?!)

If you are not denouncing that hateful rhetoric, do I assume you are for it? If you continue to vote and support candidates who perpetuate that hatred and discrimination, do I assume you agree with those policies? If you continue to mock those that have been brave enough to stand up and make their voice heard, I must assume you mock me behind my back as well, after all, why would I be exempt? If you don’t support those things, I ask how you can support – endorse and continue to vote for someone who does. My daughter once asked me if I would have protected Jews during the Holocaust, had I had that opportunity. “Of course,” I replied. I would try to protect anyone in danger – Jewish or not. I stand by that statement. But, would you protect me? Or my daughter? This isn’t hyperbole anymore.

In these last two years, the learning curve has been steep but great.

I have learned that as a Jew, I must stand up against any religious discrimination. I may not always fully understand another religion but support others’ abilities to worship in their own way.

I have learned that as a mother, I am the voice of my child. That includes teaching her to stand up for what is right, respecting others, to be kind, practice tolerance and to love (and the appropriate use of swear words.)

I’ve learned that as a white woman, I have a responsibility to use my voice in a way that makes others be heard. And, that it is my responsibility to learn how to be a better ally to people of color, the LGBTQ+ community and other marginalized groups – it is not their job to teach me.

I have learned that as a woman, I must support the rights of all woman even if I would not exercise that right.

I have learned that as a sexual assault survivor, I had to tell my story not for a personal cleansing but for the validity it may provide to someone else and a message to my daughter.

I have learned that as friend, I can respect our differences and hope that I am open enough to learn and listen but also acknowledge that there are times when those differences are painful and almost impossible to understand. And I understand that this post may cost me some friendships.

I have learned that I cannot determine what someone else may find offensive but I can choose to be mindful of the differences of others and move through the world with kindness.

I have learned that despite my liberal-ness, I still exist in the bubble of white privilege and it is my responsibility to learn to sit in my own discomfort and use my privilege for the good of all people.

History will not be kind to this time in our country. I want to be certain that I am setting the example I want my child to see. I want there to be no doubt to my child, my family and friends – that I was – that I am – willing to stand up for what is good and decent and right. I don’t want my child to think I was silent in the face of the hatred or discrimination. I don’t want to answer, “Why didn’t you do anything?”

In memory of:

Rose Mallinger, age 97

Jerry Rabinowitz, age 66

Cecil Rosenthal, age 59 and his brother, David Rosenthal, age 54

Daniel Stein, age 71

Richard Gottfried, age 65

Joyce Fienberg, age 75

Melvin Wax, age 88

Sylvan Simon, age 86 and his wife, Bernice Simon, age 84

Irving Younger, age 65

To all others who have lost their lives in the face of irrational hatred and discrimination.

May your memories always be for a blessing.