Deja Vu? AKA...when new friends feel like old friends

Old can be good. Old furniture can bring character and warmth to a room. Old wine or old scotch can be silky smooth going down.  Old age can bring wisdom. And, old friends bring us a sense of security, history and stability.  But let’s not knock what’s new.  Nothing beats a new car. New shoes can perk anyone up and mini-me loves to dance around in new panties (I mean, really – who doesn’t??)  And as I’ve discovered, new friends can bring a whole new perspective, open our eyes a little wider and fill our lives in amazing new ways.

Me, Legs and Lips. You  just can't see the drinks.

Lips and Legs are my mom posse. They keep me sane in the neighborhood (thank God, because you know I live next to this.) They help me channel my inner trailer trash over wine, crooked Arnold Palmers, Triscuits, fruit roll-ups and goldfish.  We whine, wine, bitch and laugh with regularity.  Legs and I met last year when our mini-me’s were in the same class. Lips moved down the street last year but as herder mom to two boys, we didn’t connect right away. Legs introduced us and our connection was swift.  Our friendship was like finding the perfect jeans (if those actually existed) - they fit perfectly, they feel great and make us feel better. it felt like we'd always been friends.  Our kids wander in and out of any of our homes with nary a knock. They know where the snacks and drinks are stored, they are comfortable and happy (at least we assume they are since they yell, scream, chase, etc as they would in their own abode.)  They know that despite differences in age and gender – a friend is just down the street.  More importantly, Lips and Legs are my friends.  We don’t have to schedule or plan. We are just there.  Over the holidays, mini-me made a comment that I knew was coming but still sent me into a tailspin. I immediately reached out to my Big Susan’s and their comforting words over the phone line did help. But late one night, when I was overwhelmed, Lips wandered down in her pajamas and robe so big and fluffy it scared my dog.  She was equally tired and stressed but the fact that she took that time to come and listen reminded me that some new friends quickly become the old friends we’ll still be talking to for years to come.  She knew I needed to talk. The red velvet cake may have made her walk a wee bit faster. 

Legs and I both have mini-me’s that test our patience and make us laugh.  They are both wise beyond their years and still firmly planted in the age of innocence.  The fact that they go to school together, play together outside of school daily, share clothes, interests and other friends means that Legs and I are also comrades in arms.  Muddling through the girly-girl thing, sharing fears and hopes.  One more than one occasion, we’ve talked through concerns about raising girls in this crazy world – what is allowed, what isn’t, what scares us and what we plan to do.  It helps that we often do this over wine and cheese. But it really helps to know I'm not alone with those crazy thoughts.

Other new-ish friends have quickly become old and I mean that in the best sense of the word.  Last weekend, Pixie, Stretch and a few others from a relatively delinquent moms group came over for drinks and to wish Stretch a happy birthday.  Many drinks and laughs later, my rough week was gone along with the Sweet Tea vodka and all was right in the world.  I can’t imagine not having the preschool posse in my life – we Yom Kippur, sometimes Passover, and often New Year together and though we don’t see each other as often, I think of them all the time and wish we saw one another more.

I’m always grateful for my friends – my old friends have seen me through both good and bad.  They know my history, know my family, know my stories, have likely put up with a fair amount of my crap and are still my friends (really, there needs to be an award for this.)  They provide a foundation that steadies me in the storm.

But, I’m also grateful for my new friends.  They’ve reminded me to keep my eyes open because if I hadn’t – they wouldn’t be in my life.  New friends teach you that you're never too old - you can teach an old dog new tricks.  But mostly, they remind me that new is only for a moment and friend lasts a whole lot longer. 

You get what you deserve

I’m having a crisis of faith. Not just religiously speaking (goodness knows, that's happening, too) but in my overall belief in people.  People are mean. They are mean and selfish and arrogant. I know people (not in the urban legend sense but real people) who - on a regular basis - have treated others with something significantly less than respect or kindness, who knowingly sacrifice the feelings/reputation of others in order to get what they want and still others who call themselves friend but only if you agree with exactly what they believe.  Each one is successful, outwardly happy, materially fulfilled.  There is a saying that people get what they deserve.  Do these people get what they deserve? I suppose so – if they deserve the prize, promotions, a raise or sympathy when they make themselves the victim.  And really, I know life isn’t fair but I’m so dismayed at the way people treat one another that I’ve begun to lose faith.

Luckily, I have friends who are quick to remind me that there is decency and goodness. I know I’ve talked a lot about how great my friends are – how funny, generous, kind, etc.  And don’t get me wrong – they are all those things. But, aside from being my friends (which makes them pretty f-ing fabulous), these are some pretty cool people who have a tremendous impact on those around them.  Disclaimer:  this is not to say that my friends and I are not sometimes looked at as a-holes – see exhibit A – no one is immune from the occasional jackassery – but we do try not to make it a lifestyle.

Exhibit A:  Amazing acts of generosity between friends

My mom friends Stretch and Pixie are very close - the bond between these two women is deep.  I am not part of their inner circle and can’t really speak to what goes on between them – the nuances that make it work, how important it is or the things that annoy them about one another. They have gone beyond a shoulder, a glass of wine and a playdate – though all of those things have likely played a role in the deepening of their ties.

These are smart women, dedicated mothers and wives, friends to many. They are funny with a heavy dose of snark that I greatly appreciate. They are great fun to be around and I love that they grab any opportunity to throw back a drink or three and have a good time.  There is much to admire and like about each one individually.  But, to say they have held each other up during tough times would be an understatement. To describe their relationship as supportive is simply not enough.  To be a friend during a crisis – health, familial, etc – to help a friend and her family weather the storm and offer shelter or solution is an amazing gift.  It seems to come so naturally to them. “Of course” would be answer if they were asked – but I’m guessing they just offered and did what they felt was needed.  What was right.  They are more than friend to one another – they have become family. Figuratively and literally.  They remind me that friends are the family we choose and that I have chosen well. 

Exhibit B: Courage in the face of crisis

My friend Tinkerbell (so named because she is tiny, fast moving and just makes you smile) faced a life crisis that can only be described as devastating.  I admired the many friends that rallied around her and her family – supporting for them, praying for them and offering to do whatever was needed during this trying time.  Truly the faces of kindness during dark times.  But what is truly admirable, what really gets to me is Tinkerbell’s amazing outlook. I’m sure she has/had dark times during which tears were shed and fists clenched towards God. But her positive outlook is nothing short of inspirational. Her continued dedication to paying it forward – with her kind words, relentless push towards giving more and doing more and simply being a better person - reminds me that we each choose how to deal and react to any given situation and that we can turn something dark and scary and negative into something shiny and positive.

Exhibit C: Grace under pressure is contagious

My hip work friend, Mary Richards, really shows – on a daily basis – what it means to be professional.  Despite her own frustrations, challenges or difficulties, she makes a point to maintain a positive outlook, offering help and a shoulder to others. Every.Single.Day.  Her grace and humor (and amazing ability to bite her tongue) make her highly regarded by all. I aspire to be more like this and fall short on a regular basis.

So right when I’ve lost faith, I remind myself to look around at my friends.  They are good and kind and generous. They remind me that the human condition is not one of despair but one of optimism and decency.  I don’t want to get too Pollyanna-ish about this because my friends appreciate my inner bitch as much as I appreciate theirs but right now, I’m so grateful for each of them for reminding me that maybe we do get what we put out there.  Maybe all my amazing and wonderful friends are in my life for a reason. Maybe I’ve gotten just what I deserve. Lucky me.

Regrets....I've had a few....

‘Tis the season…..for stress and regret. Ugh – I have had a really hard time finding the holiday spirit this year and that just isn’t like me.  I regret to say that I haven’t been a very good friend of late.  I was not only short (way too often) with mini-me but I was unavailable to my friends – both physically and emotionally. Partly by circumstance and partly by choice.  The circumstance was work, work and more work.  Crazy days – including weekends - (and unfortunately every.single.night) at the office have made it so hard for me to commit or even step away and relax with my friends.  The choice was that an exhausted and stressed me is not fun to be around – I simply don’t have the energy and my snark level was at an all time high. It really was best for everyone involved that I was hermit-like.

Unfortunately, these crazy times came at a price.  I missed celebrating T’s birthday in our usual manner – and what is worse is that I’ve just remember that I forgot. So….she will ring in her new year with what should have been admired in November.  Luckily, she knows I’m not a total jackass all the time and she will forgive me.  This is just one more reason she is my Big Susan.

But it was during these long days and nights of work that my thoughts turned to those that I truly miss during the holidays.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need a stressful time to miss these folks – but in times of extreme stress and when emotions are running high, their absence seems to fill a larger part of my heart.

My mom really loved the holidays. She decorated the house, she hostessed, she wrapped and she received (man, did she love to receive).  She loved knowing she would have a full house.  I remember walks through her neighborhood after dinner – her area had the best light displays – and we all went. The grown kids, the little kids – it didn’t matter.  I really miss my mom during the holiday season. I wanted her there to taste the stuffing and tell me what it needed (or what it didn’t need ‘cause she wouldn’t hold back.)  I wanted her there to drive around and admire the lights. She “oohd” and “ahhh’d” more than anyone else.  She loved to hear what all my friends were up to and tell me about hers.  I wanted her to watch mini-me light the menorah and stammer through the prayer with a giggle.

My dad loved the cold weather during this time of year. He only brought out the super heavy coat if it was in single digits.  We had an annual tradition for the ten years I lived near him as an adult.  He would miraculously have a trunk-full of coats, sweaters, mufflers, gloves and blankets that he no longer needed. We would drive down 14^th Street in DC and he would randomly pull over and pass out warm clothes and blankets to homeless men.  He shook their hands, he wished them better times ahead, he talked with them. For a man driven by money and tax write-offs, this amazing act overwhelmed me. Under his often bawdy (and wildly inappropriate) exterior, he was a kind man who truly knew how lucky he had been in his life.  I just shared this story with one of my sisters – she had no idea.  I miss doing this with my dad and wish we could do it one more time – bringing mini-me along to show her some true holiday spirit.  I’ve not talked much about my dad in here and I should.  He was a loyal friend and though he knew a ton of people, he truly cherished those he called friend.

I miss Rona during the holidays. She never understood my family celebrating both Hanukkah and Christmas but she never criticized. It was just there.  But, she loved to make holiday treats and she made the most wicked caramel brownies ever. They were a major pain in the ass to make but she did it every year. And, every year she bitched about it but did so while laughing.  And we should shop together – people watching, laughing, lunching.

It’s so easy to talk about those I miss that are gone – their absence is real and I can do nothing about it.  But, I have also missed my friends that I have simply not had or made time to see.  My mom posse lives on my street and around the corner – they have seen my harried self and shared a glass of wine or three.  But seeing many of my other friends takes effort that I simply could not put forth.  There is my regret.  That taking time to see my friends should not be a luxury.  That perhaps a quick coffee or visit with one of my amazing friends would have eased my stress and made this overwhelming time a tad bit easier.  But, as I’ve said before, I really suck at sharing.

A friend recently said that she doesn’t make New Year’s resolutions – she makes goals. I like that better – seems more attainable. So, my New Year’s goal is to make time with friends a necessity before regret turns to longing I can do nothing about.

May your New Year bring you no regrets.

Reunited and it feels so good

Every December, mini-me gets to reconnect with her oldest friend. Her oldest friend happens to be the daughter of my Big Susan, M.  I know that M and I will always be friends. Parenting toddlers brought us together but it’s not what keeps us friends.  We talk virtually every night, we talk about everything. We are very different.

Mini-me and her friend K are very different, too.  While we refer to both of them as our “square pegs”, they are dorks in different ways. Mini-me is very earnest in her approach to things, wildly extroverted, tries to fit in but is reasonably comfortable in her own, slightly nerdy skin.  K is a quieter sort, amazingly observant of all that is going on around her, cautious of what she doesn’t know, a techno-geek (like her mom) and the most stubborn person I’ve ever met – children and adults included.

I don’t know if they will be Big Susan to one another – time will tell.  I do know that mini-me relishes their visits. She equates sadness with missing people who aren’t around her, including K.  Mini-me loves to talk on the phone (a fabulous trait she inherited from moi) but K doesn’t share that appreciation so their conversations are pretty one-sided and short. But mini-me tries.

Dork Pile

Their initial reconnection is exactly the same every time. Mini-me is wildly excited, flailing about and needing to hug and squeeze K – girl squeals are often involved. K is excited, too – I can see it in her face but her approach is more cautious. She has to be sure that this is indeed, her old friend. Once confirmed, her face lights up, she laughs and joins the squealing. Laughter ensues and they begin to find their place beside each other again.

M and I often wonder if they will forget one another or be unable to relate because they only see each other twice a year.  The chaos of holiday visits doesn’t always lend itself to the kind of reconnection that we believe friends need. 

When they were wee ones, they liked the same things – fairies, the toy kitchen, princesses, Dora.  But as they have grown and their personalities develop (oh, they are so far from being fully formed) they have developed distinct and different interests.  Mini-me remains devoted to horses and was thrilled that K got to see her ride.  K is way more technologically advanced and was able to show mini-me lots of games on the DS.  Mini-me is more physically adventurous but it makes K curious enough to try. Sometimes.  K follows the rules better than most kids I know and while mini-me gets the rules and is pretty damn good at following them, I do recognize that she sees some as mere suggestions.

Still, the reconnection makes me a bit nervous. Will they still like each other?  Will they still be friends?  You see, I know that as life changes and our daily routine takes us in different directions we may drift away from friends. It’s not that we stop being friends – it’s just different.  And sometimes, there is a period of adjustment where you have to become comfortable with one another again. It may take just a few minutes but it’s there.  I know as an adult that I can manage this but I worry for two seven-year olds.

Asleep at Last

Clearly, I was worried for nothing. Mini-me and K laughed, shrieked, chased, hugged, whispered and loved.  Like all friendships involving 7-year old girls, it’s full of drama but I’m thrilled it’s the typical drama of good friends.  K helped mini-me light the menorah, they opened gifts, they shared a bath and despite having a trundle – they preferred to share a bed. 

Sometimes, the more things change the more they stay the same. And sometimes, that is a good thing.

To the friend I will never know

A few weeks ago, I became a Helping Hooker and helped a fellow hooker in need.  As a big fan of Rants from Mommyland, I totally embraced what Kate and Lydia suggested – I sent them my name and told them that in the spirit of the season, I wanted to help a hooker and requested they match me up with one who needs a boost.

For those that know me well, you know that I’m always willing to help a friend. I’m that neighbor where you can borrow a cup of sugar, I don’t mind the kids all at my place, I never mind driving and I’m here if you need to talk. I’m also a reasonably decent person. I donate to charity, I pick up litter, we “adopted a family”, I volunteer at school, I encourage my daughter to give and we carry change around so that she can drop a few coins in cans that need filling.

But this wasn't a friend asking (or someone standing in front me with a nice smile and a bell); there was no tangible benefit for me.  There was something about just doing a good deed simply because I could that appealed to me.  I wasn't looking for kudos, thanks or letter I could give to my accountant. I just  wanted to help someone in a quiet way that caused them no embarrassment - because it's hard to look someone in the eye and say "I need help."  

As I was reading about all these helping hookers, someone said that they Googled the address of their hooker in need and was dismayed because it appeared to be finer than what she would have expected for someone requesting help.u nee  As my fellow helping hooker E pointed out, “I just didn’t want to know that.” We were doing this because we wanted to help and trust that those asking for help truly needed it.

Because deep inside, E and I – along with hundreds of other generous Helping Hookers – wanted to do something nice, something unexpected because even though we face our own challenges – we know we’re lucky and we wanted to pay it forward. Not because we bought our little Whos everything on their list or because we need a tax deductible donation.  We wanted to help friends we don’t know – moms who just want to put a single gift in a stocking so that their little Whos can still believe in the magic of this season.

I have never met the hooker I helped. I’d like to think we’d be friends if we knew each other. But if that were the case, would she really have asked me for help buying her kids gifts – much less taken the gift card had I offered it?  I will never know and I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m better than okay. My heart grows when I think about what I was able to do for a friend I will never know. 

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A Hooker Holiday

A hooker in need, a mom in bind

Shouted out “Yes Kate & Lydia - I need help, do you mind?”

The hooker brigade – from near and from wide

Embraced helping hookers with glee and with pride

Quickly we moved, mom hookers know no other way

Filling the mail with envelopes that  all seemed to say

"We’re all hookers together, you are not alone anymore

We get it, we know; we’ve been there before

From my hooker heart to yours; our gifts come with good cheer

Wishing all things Merry and a Happy New Year!"