I’ve known him for going on 30 years (oh Biff, that just makes us both seem so old.) We met as angst-filled college freshman. I’d known Runner for 3 years at that point and
we all ended up at the same school. A
shared dormitory, bad dining hall food, one car among us and being away from
home for the first time. And so it
started. Friendships made and
friendships cemented.
Just the other morning, Biff asked a great question on Facebook –
Why is it so much harder to find and make friends now? Is he right?
Was it easier as kid when someone was a stranger one day and your BFF
the next? Those friendships were honest,
straightforward and caring – some have lasted into adulthood. The responses to his question were interesting
– ranging from adults being more complicated to people just being jackasses (uh, that may have been mine.) Others
shared the obvious that it just makes you appreciate the good ones.
But his question did make me think about it. As adults, our
offices and the gym are the playground where we generally meet people. Maybe we
live in a neighborhood that fosters friendships but many of us do not. Some of us have young kids, where we are
thrown together with lots of other parents. Some of whom may not be total
a-holes. Some of whom may become friends. If we’re lucky.
I know that friendships change. When mini-me was very young, my new friends
were the parents of her young friends. We bonded over diapers, day care and
tantrums. We joined mommy groups where
often the only things we had in common were young children, lack of sleep and
messy houses. Then our kids formed opinions (boy,
did mini-me form opinions) and began to pick and choose friends. We saw
less of those early friends and sometimes it was easy. A good night’s sleep and the ability to have
a complete conversation made you realize you didn’t have much to say to some of
those folks or drastically different parenting styles made deeper friendship
more difficult. Kids grow, schools
change, people move, you move and you have to start over.
We’ve now put down some roots. I live in a ‘hood with great
people and the mom posse - friends for both me and mini-me so the neighborhood
connection worked. But now, I see some
of my other friends less. Kids keep growing, schools keep changing, and
schedules become more complicated. Maybe
we are changing and the differences are more subtle. My office isn’t really the
kind of place that fosters strong friendships and the gym….well, I should go to
one and perhaps if I did, both me and my new fit friends would be besties
forever. But, bonding over our sweaty bodies strikes me as something a wee bit
more than friendship.
But really, how would I go about making a new friend right
now? It’s not like I can sit on the driveway with the sidewalk chalk and a
cocktail and hope someone will wander by and ask if they can play. Embarrassingly
enough, the mom posse I have done this. More than once.
I’ve tried the PTO but honestly, that is a group of women that need a
hobby and possibly a drink or three. While I’m friendly with a number of other
neighbors and certainly with some folks at work, none seem to be moving in the
direction of a new friend.
For adults, there seems to be a dance of sorts – gotta feel
each other out. Do you have anything in
common? Will they still like you if they
know you (fill in the blank?) But, do
those friendships just develop or do we have to make a list, go over it twice
and then strategically go about it? I thought
about my most recent new friends. I was at the barn (a smelly, hot and dusty home away from home.) I was talking with
the instructors and another mom about another even newer parent. We agreed she
seems very nice. We’ve tested the waters
with her by talking about our love of a good cocktail and how our precious children
can make us need a good cocktail. She seemed to be on board. We’ve yet to
determine if she can tolerate our potty mouths (‘cause really – it’s
not secret I have one) – because this new mom is a mid-Westerner and we
think we may scare her. Then it dawned
on me – my new barn friends did this with me since I’m the newbie. I had made three new friends – good ones. I never
made any team I consciously tried out for but this revelation made me feel like
I made the cut. I almost feel like the popular girl now that Derby, Jumper and
the Bomb have welcomed me into their little club. It just happened. I didn’t have a plan. I
didn’t really try. I really was just
hanging out on the proverbial sidewalk and they asked me to play. So glad I said yes.
So Biff, I think the answer to your question is to just be
you (and oh, the joke I could insert
here.) Talk to folks – even if at a glance you’re not sure you will
connect. Let’s face it, on the surface, we should never have become friends –
we were so different but we just connected. We gave each other a chance. Because you never really know if that person
next to you at the soccer field, in line at the movie or standing next to you
at the next kid’s birthday party where you don’t know anyone else – is your new
friend. If they ask you to play, just say yes.
Note: though I’ve been
blogging for a while and always put a new post on my Facebook page, Biff has
yet to realize that I was writing all those posts I was recommending. Or, he
was simply not reading my posts. He’s either a shithead or not the sharpest
knife in the drawer. But now he knows…and he may read this and he’s a really
good writer. He’s a great writer. Bracing myself for feedback and possibly a
heavy dose of snark in return.
