I'm laughing at you...not with you.

Today is a quickie - i saw this picture and laughed my ass off.

I love to laugh with my friends. I’m also not above laughing at my friends. This picture pretty much sums it up. I’ll even admit to having been in both of these positions at one time or another.

Nothing cements a friendship more than a rousing game of jackassery that is well-played. Luckily, mine were long before mobile phones so unless you can prove it, it’s all a rumor or an oft-visited story during a game of “remember when…”

I hope you have all been face down at least once….and other times pointing and laughing out loud (I’ve been known to snort at these times.) Keeps you humble….and gives you leverage for storytelling with one’s children.

Keep laughing my friends.

I blame you completely.

We learn a lot from our friends – both good and bad.  I may have picked up some questionable “gifts” from my friends – but they have also help make me the mom I am today.  

To Neiman: You have taught me that taking the high road matters, the details count, that is okay to do something for myself and that no matter how big of an jackass I may be – you’re still my friend.  You are the aunt to Mini-me that swoops in with long weekends of hugs, tickles and lots of Laura Ingalls Wilder books. You remind me to live in today. We may disagree about the importance of a good white blouse but you have taught me that the classics matter – in books, clothes, manners and sometimes in parenting.  You reassure me that following my gut – and heart – usually keeps me on the right track. Thanks for loving my little mini like she was your own.

To Geek: Holy shit you put up with a lot. More than anyone else, you put up with my parenting insecurities, frustrations, annoyances and pitfalls. Our nightly talks (yes, we talk every.single.night) keep me sane and remind that my kid is normal, that is okay that not all my friends are normal, that your family is as crazy as mine and that I need to be more patient.  You have taught me that I can probably find a better deal and that things are rarely as bad as they seem. Thanks for talking me off the ledge.

To Brenda Starr: You’ve put up with my brand of bullshit for a long time and we’ve seen each other through plenty. Watching you teaches me the difference between quality and quantity and that we are stronger than we know. I wish we lived closer so the kids could play. And, who am I kidding…so Mrs. Cleaver could cook for me, too.

To my brother and sisters: We each had a wildly different relationship with Mom but you totally get why today is tough. The story behind our cries may be different but the tears are all the same.  There are not enough word to say thanks. To Patron – just thanks and know that means everything.  You and Beach were the first ones in my corner on my path to motherhood and have never left.  To Dad’s Favorite, your relationship with the Candy Striper is astonishing and you’ve set a high bar – I can only hope I reach half that high.  To Mini-Mom, your perseverance and willingness to look deep and make things better reminds me we can all do the same.

To my mom’s group friends: Yowza, you guys remind what is important and isn’t – and not always in ways you would imagine. I’ve learned so much – you’ve made me laugh, made me think and reminded me what I do and don’t want.

To my old friends anew aka those I reconnected with on Facebook: You set quite a bar – be it for parenting or friendship or standing up for what you believe. You have each taught me to find comfort in what I’m doing right, join me in laughter when I do something stupid (it’s been known to happen) and to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I may do it more quietly than you – but I’m usually walking right beside you.

To former friends, those who just don’t talk to me anymore or those who can only be friends when the wind is blowing in a certain direction: Thanks for showing me the value of my real friends. You’ve taught me to be a better example to my own child when you show her what not to do.  You’ve taught me to instill a greater sense of decency, respect and honesty in my daughter.   Cannot overestimate the value of that lesson.

To Rona: You set the standard and for that I am grateful. You’ve taught me to embrace my heritage and understand the importance of passing it down. I can only hope that Mini-me, who shares your Hebrew name, will find as much comfort in her spirituality as you did in yours.

To my mom and Big Susan:  You each tackled motherhood from a very different playbook. This isn’t about who won that game but what I got from each of you. You taught me the value of friendship and its importance in our lives. You didn’t sit down and explain it to me. You didn’t write me letters. You showed in your actions and your devotion to one another. I’m grateful every single day for that lesson. And, for knowing how to make your brisket, chicken salad and roast chicken. 

 

So, if you admire me as a mother or think I'm setting my kid up for a lifetime of therapy - pat yourself on the back. I didn't do this completely on my own - I can blame you, too.  After all, they say it takes a village to raise a child…and while that may be, I say it also takes a village to make a mother. 

I wish each of you a Happy Mother’s Day. May your day be bright and poop free – except for your own, and I hope that you’re able to do that in private.

What you give is what you get

It was Mitzvah Day.  In its most simplistic terms, mitzvah is a worthy deed; a meritorious or

Shit Shoveler Extraordinaire!

charitable act.  For mini-me, it was a Sunday not spent learning her Judaica or Hebrew therefore making whatever else was on the agenda infinitely more appealing.  We had a list of activities from which to choose – helping the elderly, helping children, packing meals, keeping company….all so worthwhile. But then mini saw the words “Triple R Horse Rescue” and it was like a cartoon balloon appeared over her head with the word “YOWZA!”  Not only would her mitzvah involve horses but it was also at a ranch she was familiar with, had competed at and there was a chance she would run into another rider – or horse – that she knew.

After the Big Cut

The day before, Mini did something even braver – and way cooler. You see, Mini had hair to her waist – hair of the most extraordinary red. In a tribute and honor to Neiman, Mini-me cut off 10” of her hair and donated it to Locks of Love.  Watching the cut and the big smile on Mini’s face while Lips yielded the scissors, I wept. Big ugly tears rolled down my face – both of pride at what Mini was doing and memory of being with Neiman while we cut her hair off at the start of chemo.  I was ferklempt. People stared and I’m reasonably sure Mini was horrified. As a parent and a friend, I was overwhelmed and surprised by the emotion of it. 

Mini-me’s willingness and excitement to help others made me think about my friends and what they do.  I see my friends who doctor and nurse and know they are in it for the right reasons – despite frustrations with the business side of things.  I’ve gone to them for advice and one even stitched up Mini’s belly.  Their compassion and willingness to help heal is part of who they are – it is what they bring to their profession (and their friendships) and not what they learned in medical school.  Lips spent a long time working with cancer patients – caring for them and boosting their fragile morale. She has no medical degree but her ability to help heal a wounded spirit is miraculous.

It seems so many of my close friends are givers.  Neiman’s life is hectic – very public and busy job, new homeowner, old home seller, …who not only sits on the assorted Boards of Directors and helps guide countless community and statewide efforts, but in her new role as cancer survivor, is starting an online support/resource group so others don’t feel so alone.  Wow, a very busy mom of three who already works in the nonprofit arena volunteers at her synagogue – bolstering and building that community.    Tinkerbell is non-stop mom in motion who in her overwhelming gratitude at her child’s recovery has dedicated herself to cures for childhood cancer (her hubby does, too!!)  Runner supports those both near and far – she runs in support of and in the hope of.  Geek volunteers at Kooky’s school – she’s helped kids with homework, supervised after school care, bought and sold assorted crap and more.

Even in my family – Mini-Mom has been helping a good friend through unimaginably difficult times. She is chauffeuring, cooking, delivering. She is helping, listening and doing. She is holding a hand and in the process, helping a heart.  Dad’s Favorite has long volunteered with old folks – providing companionship and support to a sweet soul for years. When she called to tell me that this sweet soul had died, my heart hurt for Dad’s Favorite. She’s always had patience for the geriatric set and I knew she saw in that sweet soul a bit of our grandmother and our parents.  Beach was a long time volunteer with a group that was sort of the drunken stepsisters to another uber-proper group – they raised countless dollars to support local charities in need.

In addition to the amazing volunteer efforts, my friends give of themselves – to their friends. To watch Stretch, Pixie, Snow White, Brenda Starr and others support and give to one another - a kind word, a shoulder, a partner in crime or a much needed swift kick in the ass. I’ve been on the receiving end of all those things – and appreciated it more than they will ever know.  Almost nine years ago, I was seven months pregnant and moving. I was alone with no help and there was Beach. She may as well have been wearing a cape – she moved, cleaned, unpacked and put away (for more than a year I would have to call and ask where she put things.)  I never asked – she was just there.  Neiman has hopped a plane and held my hand during many of life’s challenges – turning despair into memories that garner more than one laugh.  Patron can be the voice of reason (if you know him, you may have just laughed) for all sorts of advice but when I called him because I was hemorrhaging during the early stages of my pregnancy...well, hearing his voice catch, the fear and love in his words - well, they were a far away hug during the scariest time. Time and distance couldn't get him there but he arranged for someone to come hold my hand.

So, after what turned out to be a weekend of Mitzvah’s. After Mini squealed with glee over shorter hair, after she spent hours in the hot sun happily shoveling horseshit, distributing feed and grooming. After she declared that she needed to volunteer “a lot more” I’m left in wonder.  I am surrounded by both family and friends who have a boundless sense of generosity.

As someone who has spent the better part of her professional years in the non-profit world, I understand the value of those who give. For years, what kept me working – and serving on the board of another non-profit – was being surrounded by the generosity of those who gave and the determination and gratitude of those who received. There really is nothing like working in that kind of environment and I miss it.

Today, my friends may not all know each other. In fact, many have never met. But what they have in common is that they give of themselves. They call, they post, they pledge.  They donate, volunteer or organize. They hop on a bandwagon, shout from a soapbox and “share.”  They show up, hold a hand and lend an ear. So, just when I think I miss being surrounded by those who give….I only have to look at Mini…and my friends. And, I still wonder – how lucky I am to be surrounded by such generosity.

I can't believe I said that....

I talk about some crazy shit with my friends. In the course of one conversation, Geek and I will talk about kids, morons at the office, deal we found while shopping, an upcoming trip, ideas for Easter eggs, other people, stomach distress and periods.  In no particular order and with no segue from one topic to the other. It’s total free association and we just get it.

Neiman and I do the same thing. We go from houses to boys to dogs, dogs with gas, to her mom, my daughter and some stupid ass political issue only to close out the conversation with a quick touch on the topic of pooping and boobs (which come up in every conversation with her.)  The entire conversation may have been 10 minutes.

Recently, Lips waxed me. No, she wasn’t down in my nether regions – she did my brows and my upper lip (don’t judge, it’s the first time I’ve done my lip.) In the span of 10 minutes we covered annoying kids, annoying dogs, waxing your nethers and the mishaps that can occur and she aggressively removed two blackheads.  True friendship.

My sisters and I are the same.  I was visiting with mini-mom; we talked about the upcoming B’nai Mitzvah for her kids, the illness of a dear friend, bras, hair color, recipes, home decorating, travel, dogs and it’s likely constipation came up.

And, despite all these crazy-ass conversations, I am stunned when mini-me pulls random shit out of thin air to talk about. Seriously, we’re walking the dog and she says, “I wonder what she was thinking about when I saw her do that thing the other day,” as if I knew just what she was talking about….or we will be talking about school and she will ask me if she can see a specific movie three weeks from now or why the sky is blue.  Both of these are way more important than our talk about school. I joke that a conversation with her is similar to talking to someone on acid – it’s free association times ten. But then, I realize the apple did not fall far from the tree.

I know my mom and Big Susan talked this way as well. With a single word, a glance – they knew just what the other was thinking though Big Susan was often thinking something way nicer than my mom. They could finish each others sentences and more than once I heard one of them say, “I was just thinking that…” or "me, too."

Is it our comfort with one another that lets us move from one topic to another? Do we drop our guard so much with our friends that we can chat about anything? And, can we often rightly assume that our minds move at the same pace and in the same direction that the random change of topic only enhances the conversation?  Is this the mark of people that are such good friends they just get it?

I sure hope so because I have to take a shower and can’t wait to try this new shower gel and did you get the new Vanity Fair yet? WTF was she thinking?

I will remember you....

I will remember you, will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by ~ Weep not for the memories ~Sarah McLachlan

It’s been one year. One year since the original Big Susan joined my mother in the big kitchen in the sky. I know you’re saying “kitchen?” – well, yes, kitchen.  My greatest memories are of Big Susan and my mom doing something in the kitchen – roasting chicken, making brisket, making chicken, tuna or salmon salad (where Big Susan would leave the onions out because Andy doesn’t like them – my mother would never have done that for one of her kids) or doing the dishes.  They seemed to reach a special level of contentment when around one another and I always found comfort in that.

I know this year has been a hard one.  Defining a new normal without her has been painful.  I know they each miss her in their own way and each person’s grief is different. I know the ache to hear the voice one more time, to see a smile, hear a laugh or hold a hand.

Mom and Big Susan – you still inspire me. My friends are more important to me today than yesterday or the day before.  I tell mini-me your stories and she looks at your pictures.  She sees pictures of the kids and the grandkids – she knows their names and knows that a visit back home won’t be complete without seeing whoever is in town.  She knows you were “besties” – she knows why friends are so important.

Rona – if I can face life’s challenges with half your grace and humor I will be lucky.  I hope you can hear the crazy ass conversations we have in my head. I miss you madly.

To those friends who have faded from my life for one reason or another – I choose to remember what we laughed about.   Whatever reason drove us apart happened for a reason. I choose to take the lesson learned – as hard as it may have been – as just another way for me to become wiser and truly be the kind of friend I would want in return. For that I will be grateful.

So, on this special anniversary, remember your friends who are not with you anymore. Don’t think about the loss or the pain associated with it.  Don’t linger on the “what-ifs” or “what might have beens.”  Don’t second guess decisions or choices that were made.  Don’t re-hash that last disagreement or remember the annoying trait. Don’t think about that last fight – the one that made you stop being friends.

Remember what made the two of you laugh. Remember a lesson learned and what made you a wee bit smarter. Remember the first moment when you realized you would be friends – and that time you knew you were best friends – that you had found your Big Susan.  Think about the crazy conversations or the trouble you got into together.  Smile at the one thing that always makes you think of that person.

Today, remember why you were friends in the first place.  And, pay it forward.

Francine Wolf Fox, 1931 - 2009

Susan Shapiro Schlosser, 1931-2012

Rona Diane Majower, 1964 - 1999

Remembering all our memories, and it’s times like these that I miss you most, remembering when we were so close. ~ Unknown